


The Curse Of Having Too Much Time To Think About It - Rei and Nagisa's Story

by ImmediatelyWriting



Category: Free!
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Age Regression/De-Aging, Alternate Universe - Hospital, Alternate Universe - Medical, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Brain Cancer, Brain Damage, Brain Surgery, Bullying, CF, Cancer, Drama, Drama & Romance, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Gay Male Character, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, LGBTQ Character, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mentions of Cancer, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV First Person, References to Depression, Romance, Slow Burn, Stand Alone, Strangers to Lovers, Trigger Warnings, cystic fibrosis, mental age regression, reigisa - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:34:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 13,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26616799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImmediatelyWriting/pseuds/ImmediatelyWriting
Summary: Boy meets boy.Nagisa is a teen with braincancer, Rei a CF patient.They meet in Iwatobi Hospital's ICU and immediately develop a close friendship.But when they meet again, a few months later, everything is different;Nagisa isn't the same guy anymore.
Relationships: Hazuki Nagisa/Ryuugazaki Rei
Comments: 25
Kudos: 15





	1. Sick Of Losing Soulmates

**Author's Note:**

> Hey There!
> 
> I see you found my ReiGisa fanfiction! Yay!  
> So, okay, this is part of a series of 3 stand alone stories, and in it's timeline this plays first.  
> Now this is important!  
> If you clicked on this you will see that this is part 2, this is because this is the second of three stories I've written. Is this the first you're reading, no worries; These are stand alone stories that mildly intertwine with each other, they're in the same universe and their plots do connect through the stories.  
> Each part of "Heartbeat Remix" will focus mainly on 1 ship.  
> For example: In "The Curse Of Having Too Much Time To Think About It" we'll be focussing on Rei and Nagisa.
> 
> Warnings that apply to the entire story;  
> \- LGBTQ romance, if you are NOT okay with gay relationships please don't read this!  
> \- Characters with disease, if you're triggered by people being sick or hospitalized this might not be the best story for you.  
> \- Sadness, Anxious thoughts and Angst will be present at some points in the story, so be prepared!  
> \- OH the spelling/grammar errors you might find... yeah, I'm Dutch and Dyslectic, and even though I check my stories with spelling-controle there might be some mistakes that have slipped through... sorry in advance.
> 
> Audditional warnings will be in chapters' authornotes, to make sure people aren't triggered by the story.  
> Other than that there isn't much that has to be said, so enjoy!
> 
> Love, Noa <3
> 
> (There will be an explination of the diseases used throughout this story in the authorsnote below)

**_Rei Ryuugazaki_ **

“ _I wonder, all too often, what would be like to have lungs this healthy. This alive. I take a deep breath, feeling the air fight its way in and out of my body._ ” I quote my favorite sentence of the most relatable books I’ve ever read. “That’s how it feels.”

Somehow that’s how I always explain my disease to people that don’t get the medical terms I know by heart because of my diagnosis.

The medical definition of my disease is much harder to understand; Cystic Fibrosis, my disease, is a genetic disease that affects the exocrine glands and is characterized by the production of abnormal secretions, leading to mucus buildup that impairs the pancreas and the intestine. Mucus buildup in lungs can impair respiration as well.

But no one would understand, so I use the relatable quote that belongs to Stella Grant, a fictional CF-er, to explain to people what having Cystic Fibrosis feels like.

“Sounds like it sucks,” Nagisa, a short blonde guy, says.

I nod slowly, because CF does suck indeed. It sucks in so many ways I almost cannot count them; coughing up mucus, needing nasal cannula at all time and having infections so often that I spend almost every winter day at the hospital are just few of the many drawbacks.

I was diagnosed with CF when I was two, and to be honest I don’t remember anything from getting the news; I just know the aftermath. Being diagnosed at a young age is the only thing that keeps me from getting depressed about it, together with a fair amount of antidepressants of course, I don’t know any other way of living; I don’t mind having to carry around an oxygen tank, or wearing a face mask in crowded areas, or getting hospitalized with a common cold or a sore throat, because I don’t know better.

If anything, being ill makes me see the beautiful things in life. I mean, school is amazing to me, because I can only go a couple of months a year, and since I grew up reading academic medical documents in the waiting room before check-ups I’m now a quick reader.

“So, what causes you to be here then?” I hesitantly ask Nagisa.

We’ve been Intensive Care neighbors for almost three days, and we’ve talked a lot, but both of us wanted to keep our personal stories to ourselves. That’s why, even though we already know lots of each other, this is the first time we’re having a conversation about the reasons we’re stuck in a hospital bed instead of playing outside in the snow like a healthy twelve-year-old would be doing at a winter day like this.

It’s all because Nagisa overheard a conversation between Nurse Jones and me. He found out about my lung-disease and he also heard that this is the twentieth time I ended up on the Intensive Care around Christmas.

I don’t mind Nagisa finding out about my CF, I’ve known I had CF from when I was just two years old, but I didn’t bring it up myself until I found out Nagisa heard Nurse Jones.

Nagisa’s now glaring at me and I can basically see his heart racing.

“W-well,” Nagisa mumbles. “I-I… how do I explain.”

The talkative blond suddenly isn’t so talkative anymore. Suddenly, he looks like he’s exhausted and I only know notice how big the bags underneath his eyes are.

He looks fragile when he’s not wearing a big smile on his pale face.

I wave with my hands, wanting to tell Nagisa he doesn’t _have_ answer if he doesn’t want to, but instead I burst into a coughing fit. I can practically feel the mucus moving up my windpipe and I quickly reach out for a handkerchief before I get the sticky, yellow substance all over my clothes and blanket.

“Sorry about that,” I mumble when my coughing fit’s over. My voice is hoarse and I can barely talk at all since I’m so out of breath.

Nagisa smiles, but I can tell it’s forced. “Well, you asked about my condition, am I right?”

I nod once, trying not to show my curiosity towards this boy.

He swallows audibly and whispers, “I have brain Cancer.”

I can hear fear in his voice and then it hits me that he’s probably a newly diagnosed.

A gasp followed by a “what” escape my mouth. I immediately feel bad about asking Nagisa about his disease, because I know how deadly a cancerous brain tumor can be.

“Yeah, right.” Nagisa chuckles sadly and I can see his face getting a little redder, which means he’s probably holding back tears. “That’s what I also thought when they told me.”

I look down at my lap and try to focus on the pattern of light blue stripes on the blanket.

“So, for how long have you know?” I ask, wondering if I’m right to ask him even more.

Nagisa closes his eyes briefly and, when he opens them again, he says, “About two months I think.” His voice doesn’t sound the least bit like it did before I asked him about his disease, he sounded rather cheerful before, now he just sounds exhausted. “Yeah, that sounds about right. We started chemo right away, and tomorrow I’m having the tumor removed.”

I feel my eyes getting bigger when I hear the word _tomorrow_ , because that means Nagisa will be going under general anesthetics within twenty-four hours. It means he has been hiding his nervousity underneath that stupid smile.

“Or at least most of it,” Nagisa continues, clearly trying to hide his fear by chattering and smiling and adding, “Yeah, so after tomorrow I should be alright.”

I nod, but I know for a fact that isn’t how it is. Not with Cancer; they’ll do the surgery, and you’ll have most of your tumor removed and then you’ll have to continue the chemotherapy. It’ll make you feel terrible and you’ll get all grumpy and depressed, and you’ll lose your hair because of it. No twelve-year-old should have to go through it.

But I’ve seen it happen too many times, and hearing the C-disease makes me sad, because I’ve lost friends this way. Younger kids than Nagisa, even, they also had their tumor removed soon after their diagnosis, but they didn’t make it either. I don’t tell that to Nagisa though.

“Yeah,” I reply, trying not to show how nervous I am for him.

Nagisa swallows audibly and he says, “I’ll be okay, I’m sure.”

In the past couple of days Nagisa has been very optimistic, the way he fakes a smile is impressive, and I couldn’t even tell he was so nervous about his surgery. But now that I know and I’ve heard the shakiness in his voice, I see every sign.

He’s clenching the blanket, rubbing in his palm to keep wiping the sweat away, and his voice is shaky all the time and his eyes keep shooting away so he doesn’t have to make eye contact with anyone; all signs of nervousity.

“A-are you sure?” I ask Nagisa. “I mean, aren’t you the least bit nervous?”

Nagisa’s expression saddens again, and I know we both know the answer to my question.

I watch as Nagisa struggles to get a smile back on his face. For some reason it feels like my heart shatters when Nagisa’s smile falters again.

“I am scared,” he admits. “Terrified even.”

I breathe in, slowly, and nod once. I understand, I would be terrified too.

Honestly, I’m terrified for him; these three days, I’ve felt so happy even though I’m not at all doing great health wise. It’s because of Nagisa that I don’t sleep day and night.

I’m terrified that when he undergoes that surgery, whether he survives it or not, I won’t ever see him again. I don’t have many friends, especially the ones that are still alive are rare when everyone I have are also patients at the hospital, and I don’t want to lose the one that feels like such great friend after just three days.

“I didn’t want to make you afraid,” I quickly say, hoping that it’ll ease Nagisa’s nerves.

I don’t know if it actually works, but soon after Nagisa’s smiling again.

“Ah, whatever,” he says in a cheerful voice, the one I recognize from our previous talks, and there’s even a less forced smile on his face. “I’ll be alright! I’m pretty strong you know.”

He shows me his, barely existing, muscles before busting into laughter.

I chuckle as well, and suddenly I feel a lot better. I’m happy Nagisa seems to be the impersonation of optimism, because it would’ve broken my heart to see him sad.

But instead of tears and gloomy faces a couple of hours before a very heavy surgery, I get the cutest and most cheerful smile anyone could ask for.

Yet, I can’t get myself not to put my hands together underneath my blanket. I close my eyes and in silence I wish for Nagisa’s health. I wish he’ll survive and most of all I wish we’ll see each other again after tomorrow.


	2. Fake Smiles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I don’t want to say goodbye, but I have to."  
> That's what Nagisa thinks as soon as he wakes up at the morning of his surgery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey There!
> 
> The first chapter probably was a little underwhelming, but I promise this is going to get better!  
> I'm truly proud of what I've written so far (and I'm on 10 chapters by now) and I hope you're going to enjoy reading it too :)
> 
> Love, Noa <3

**_Nagisa Hazuki_ **

I don’t want to say goodbye, but I have to.

At least, that’s what I have to tell myself this morning when I wake up to a pumping headache. I barely slept at night and I silently cried myself to sleep.

No one can know that, though, so when I hear Rei waking up I quickly force myself to smile.

“Morning!” I happily say, just not loud enough that it’ll wake people up.

My own voice hurts my head, it’s so high-pitched and squeaky, and I can’t help but frown when my brain feels like it’ll explode right here and now.

“Good morning, Nagisa,” Rei replies while rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. “Did you have a good night of sleep?”

I nod and tell him I slept better than ever, but that’s a lie of course.

I don’t want to worry him so shortly before they’ll take me to the surgery room. Rei does seem like the type of person that would keep worrying about the little things, like how nervous I am right now, so it’s better not to show him.

So I fake the most genuine smile I possibly can and chance the subject before he notices how hard I have to try not to show my fear.

“I’m really hungry, it sucks I can’t eat until after the surgery!” I say, in an attempt to get Rei to want to eat so we don’t have to talk about hard subjects again. But I fail miserably, since Rei is super polite.

“If you can’t eat,” Rei says, grabbing his glasses from his nightstand. “I won’t eat either. You’ll go under in an hour anyway, I can wait.”

I feel my face pulling to grimace, I don’t want to talk about the surgery, but I keep smiling. Instead of telling him to stop talking about the surgery I say, “Thank you for being so nice to wait, but feel free to eat if you’re hungry.”

Rei shakes his head and tells me he doesn’t want to make me hungry when I have to go into the surgery on an empty stomach. And I find myself wondering what kind of parents Rei has when he’s raised to be _this_ polite; they must’ve been really hard on the kid.

I tell him again, he doesn’t have to be this polite, but of course he’s persistent enough to starve himself if it makes someone else feel comfortable.

“Thanks,” I say, but I’m not thankful at all. If he’s not eating, it means we’ll have to talk for at least thirty more minutes until they come to get me.

It’s not that I hate talking to Rei, but I’m nervous and exhausted; which I don’t want him to know. Faking a smile isn’t easy, it’s the hardest thing there is.

I’ve been doing it a lot lately; faking smiles.

I did it when I saw mom crying right after I was diagnosed, knowing it might calm her down, and I told her that a tumor near my frontal- and temporal lobe wouldn’t be that awful.

I faked a smile and told dad everything was going to be alright, “I’m not going to lose myself, and I’m going to university just like big sis” I told him with a smile.

It’s exhausting, but in moments like these it’s best to do.

“So,” Rei mumbles under his breath. “How are you…?”

“I should be getting ready for the surgery,” I tell him, the beginning of my sentence crossing the end of his. “Shower with antibacterial soup and put on some looser clothing, you know the drill with surgeries.”

It’s a lie; I’m already wearing loose clothes and there isn’t any point in washing my hair because they’re going to shave all of it off anyway. But I throw the blanket off myself and step out of bed, nearly losing my balance in the process.

“Oh, alright,” Rei says, but he sounds slightly offended.

Instead of showering, I just wander to the bathroom to lean on the sink and stare at my reflection in the slightly clouded mirror.

I look awful, they weren’t kidding when they said Cancer would wear you out. There are thick, dark bags underneath my eyes and I look paler than the hospital walls.

The chemo has already thinned out my hair a lot, even though I have barely started it yet, and I can see the fleshy pink of my head shimmering through the dull, blond curls.

I look grim and worn out, not how a twelve-year-old should look.

My reflection isn’t smiling, it’s fighting hard to hold back tears. It’s trying its hardest not to let out the nervousity and fear and anger and pain that’s been bottling up inside.

My cheeks feel warm, yet freezing cold at the same time, and I feel the tears welling up in my eyes. Luckily I hear Doctor Ino, the doctor who’s supposed to take me away for the surgery, asking Rei where I am.

I splash some water in my face and walk back into the room.

“I’m ready,” I say with a fake smile. “Have mom, dad and my sisters already arrived?”

Doctor Ino nods and tells me they’re waiting for me in a small room we can relax before they’ll start the surgery. With “relax” she means I can use my time with them to say goodbye, because who knows what might happen during this surgery.

Doctor Ino smiles at me in a way that says, “it’ll be alright” as well as “you need to spend every of these minutes with your family because you’ll never see them again” and that hurts.

But before I walk through that door, I turn to Rei who’s glaring at his lap.

“Rei,” I say, my voice breaking through the silence. “Goodbye.”

Rei looks up and I can see his eyes are red from pressing back tears. He smiles sadly and whispers a goodbye as well.

“I had so much fun the past four days,” I tell Rei with a smile, a genuine one. “But don’t be sad, I will be back. I promise.”

Rei’s eyes glare at me, they’re full disbelief, but also sparkle with hope.

“Promise?” His voice trembles as if he doesn’t belief me.

I nod and repeat my words, only this time I add, “And I, Nagisa Hazuki, never ever break my promise.” With my hand on my heart and a little bow, I turn around and leave the room.

Once settled in a bed in some sort of waiting room, I say goodbye to my three older sisters and my parents too.

They all look exhausted and sad, but they are also faking smiles. I can see it in their dull eyes, the fact that they probably haven’t slept from the moment they suggested doing the brain surgery, and the way their voices break when they speak to, or about, me.

My time with my family seems to go on for hours, but doesn’t last long enough. And as I get all dizzy because of the anesthetics, I want to say so much more to them.

I want to tell them I love them, tell them that I’ll be waking up in a couple of hours and be healed, but that are just promises I cannot make.

And when my world starts to fade at the edges, I’m still fighting.

But the darkness gets too much, and once the black clouds take over all of my vision, I can’t help but let faith decide. I fall into a deep sleep, not knowing if I’ll ever wake up again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:  
> Is Nagisa even still alive? Or will Rei never see him again?


	3. Don't Forget Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rei misses Nagisa, because how can he not when not even knowing if Nagisa's still alive...

**_Rei Ryuugazaki_ **

****

It’s lonely without Nagisa here. I forgot how lonely it can get when not having someone around me during my hospital stay. But now I feel alone in an empty room.

I don’t need the close care anymore and therefore have been brought to a personal room where I can sweat it out.

Ever since Nagisa left for his surgery, hours ago, and I was placed back onto my usual department, I’ve been feeling lonelier than ever before.

I was so happy when I heard my brother would be dropping by with some clean clothes and some decent food; that way I don’t have to be alone much longer.

It’s been fifteen minutes since he told me he would be coming to the hospital to visit me, so I’m glaring at the door right now; desperate for it to open and for my older brother to walk into the, way too silent, room.

My breathing gets heavier with every second that passes and I feel like I’m going to hyperventilate if I spend one more minute in such silence.

Ever since Nagisa told me goodbye, I’ve been wondering whether he’s keeping himself to the promise he me. I hope I will be able to see him again one day and I hope that, if time passes in between now and when we meet again, he’ll remember me.

My eyes start to close slowly, for the first time today I’ve reached the moment that I’d be tired enough to sleep. Even though I sleep about four or five hours during the day on a usual sick-day, I’ve been wide away from nervousity.

Yet, when I hear the door open with a soft squeak, my eyes shoot open and I’m wide awake again. My brother’s standing in the doorway with a bento that’s been wrapped in a towel. He’s also got a plastic bag with clothing around his shoulder.

“Good evening, Rei,” he says, waving at me while trying not to drop the bento box or the plastic bag. “How have you been today?”

I smile at him, inhaling deeply through my nose.

I have to stay calm around him, ignore my stuffy nose and stressed out mind.

“I’m alright,” I tell him, which isn’t a lie but not the complete truth either. “I calculated the amount of days I have to be on antibiotics and it means within exactly eighteen days I should be okay to go home again?”

My brother chuckles and tells me that mom and dad are really looking forward to me coming back home again. He also always likes it when I’m home when he visits for Christmas or my birthday; but I barely ever am at home when he is.

“I brought you dinner,” he says, not leaving me any time to come up with more of the calculations I do to pass time. “You must be hungry, eat up.”

I nod, I am hungry indeed, and open the bento box which is filled with some rice and a great amount of vegetables; of course he knows how I like my dinner.

We talk while I eat and he tells me all about how he really likes his new job and how he’s sad to be away from home so much. And I talk about how my lungs feel much better now and how I actually wasn’t too bothered when I was told I had to stay at the hospital.

I also tell him a little about Nagisa, but the lump in my throat keeps me from telling him more than simple things like “he’s about my age” and “yeah, a nice guy”.

I’m even scared to talk about him in the present tense, since I’m not even sure he’s still alive.

Luckily my big bother seems to notice my struggle with the subject and asks, “And how’s school? I heard you get good scores on your tests?”

“Yes, for most subjects, I do,” I tell him proudly. “Except for gymnastics.”

I don’t do gymnastics, my brother knows that, but I still laugh it my terrible attempt at making a joke. I’ve never been good at making everything feel less awkward when people visit me at the hospital; I always try to fill it up with awful jokes.

After sitting next to my bed for almost two hours, my brother has to leave because visiting time is over. He gets up from his chair, brings the bag with clothes to the bathroom and not long after he walks out of the door.

I look at the door a little longer after he leaves, in case he forgets something and comes back. Most times, just talking to my big brother makes hospital stays less boring or sad and that was the case today as well. It kind of took my mind off of Nagisa and his surgery.

But now that I’m alone again, it all comes back to me and I want to know how Nagisa’s doing. Yet, I know the nurses I can ask about it won’t be able to tell me, or they’re not allowed. That’s why I’ll have to make sure to stroll the hospital as much as possible the next few weeks and see if I can run into Nagisa myself.

If I run into him one more time I’ll give him my house number so he can drop by.

If it doesn’t happen… well, in that case, I know how his surgery went.

I just hope it won’t come to that. I just hope Nagisa’s right and he keeps himself to all of the promises he makes and he’s now just waking up in a hospital room and reuniting with his parents and the three older sisters he’s told me about.

I just hope that when I go for a walk through the hospital tomorrow, I’ll see him walking as well and maybe we can even take a walk with the two of us.

I close my eyes briefly and think of how happy I would be. I imagine running into Nagisa and see his wide smile again and hear how the surgery went. I’d probably smile as well and tell him I’ve missed him, and now we can get to know each other better.

I nod to myself and whisper, “Yes, I would be so happy indeed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:  
> Did he survive? Yes or no,,, or just a little?


	4. Tragedy Is Not The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Did Nagisa survive?  
> Entirely... or just a little bit?

**_Nagisa Hazuki_ **

It’s pounding; my head.

I feel heavy, yet weightless; high up in the sky, yet nailed to the ground.

Everything is dark like it’s long after midnight on a winter night.

I’m surrounded by mirrors… no, windows… and I don’t know how I got here.

Everything’s black, and cloudy, and when I glare at one of the coated windows I see light behind it. I want to run towards it, but it’s like I’m stuck, cuffed to some non-existing pole, but when I look down to my lap, I see nothing keeping me down to the ground.

I longingly stare at the window where a little bit of light is coming from and try to reach out. My handshakes and my body trembles from the strain, but I can’t move even one finger.

I hear sounds from behind the window, but the voices sound so far away, I can’t hear what’s being said. I also see movement behind the window, I’m sure there’s someone there.

“Help!” I scream at the voices, but even I can barely hear myself.

Desperation rises up in my chest when I see no response behind the window at all. All movement stops, but the voices keep continue to talk as if I’m not here.

I bite on the inside of my cheek until I feel the metal-like taste of blood mixing with my spit.

_Don’t cry!_ I tell myself, biting even harder. _You can’t cry!_

“Help!” I try again, louder and more high-pitched this time. “Please, someone! Help!”

With that, a crack appears in the window and I hear the voices a little clearer now.

I gasp and tell myself that it must’ve worked, they might hear me soon; I scream again, and again and again, until the window shatters with a deafening sound.

I look from a distance, the lit up room behind the window still surrounded by pitch-black darkness, and I can hear and see everything clearly.

There’s a doctor and I see mom and dad standing in front of her. Mom’s expression is broken, like when I got diagnosed with Brain Cancer, and dad looks furious for some unknown reason. His eyebrows furrow while he yells, “How can you expect us to take this!”

The doctor takes a step back and hugs the files she’s holding in her hands.

“I’m sorry, sir,” she tells my father, who’s not taking her apology. “Bleeding during a Craniotomy is a common risk, and I belief you received a document telling you all about it before signing to let your son undergo this surgery, am I right?”

Dad growls angrily, a deep roar I know all too well; he’s furious with her and could easily murder her if mom wasn’t standing beside him.

I wonder what he’s so mad about. Did they do something wrong? I don’t remember anything going wrong while I was awake, I don’t feel too off either; somewhat dizzy and foggy, nothing too threatening.

“Miss Ino, isn’t Mister Kobayashi supposed to be your best brain surgeon?” dad asks in a tone he has taught me not to use against people that have a higher rank than you.

The doctor takes a deep breath, lowers her arms as if giving up on trying to be professional, and answers by telling dad that he’s completely right.

“In that case, tell me.” Dad turns to me, his eyes glaring at me like I’m a piece of gum that’s stuck underneath his shoe, and points with his finger. “Then why does my son look like you fried his brain!? Please, explain that to me, Miss Ino.”

_I? Me?_ My mouth opens, I’m confused. _I’m here, I’m okay… Right?_

I don’t know what happened, have no clue at all. I don’t know why they act like I’m not just sitting here, like I can’t hear and see them.

“Dad,” I whisper, but he doesn’t even look at me. “Dad, I’m here.”

He’s too busy yelling at the doctor, scolding her without any reason; because I am fine.

“Dad!” I shriek. “Mom! Dad!”

They ignore me, or maybe they can’t hear me, and keep fighting over me.

Dad screams things like “my son was supposed to go to university and you ruined that change for him” and “aren’t you the least bit sorry that you let that screw-up damage his brain like that” while pointing at me aggressively.

“Dad, please stop,” I whisper while starting to cry as I realize they can’t hear me.

They don’t know I’m here, watching them fight over my brain; over me. They just see the vessel I’m trapped in, my almost lifeless body that barely survived the tumor removal that was supposed to give me a longer and happier life.

This realization hits me hard, like a brick shattering my skull.

_This can’t be real!_

I take the inside of my cheek in between my lips and bite it as hard as I can. Maybe I’m just dreaming, maybe I can wake up.

I have to wake up.

Wake up.

Wake up.

Wake up!

I close my eyes tightly, hoping the next time I open them I'll wake up.

I bite until I feel the skin tearing where my teeth dig into it, and blood comes flooding into my mouth. It hurts so much, but it isn't enough to wake me up from this terrible nightmare; instead it confirms that this "nightmare" is reality.

When I hear a gasp, followed by mom's voice saying, "Oh, Nagisa."

I can feel her hands on my shoulders and realize I must be back in my body, not watching from a distance anymore.

Mom calls dad's name, followed by her crying, "Give me a towel, he's bleeding!"

My eyes shoot open and I stare right into mom's eyes. She looks so worried when she carefully rubs with the towel along my chin and mouth.

She turns around to dad and when she lifts the towel I can see the rather large amount of blood I've lost by biting a chunk out of my cheek.

"He doesn't want you to scream like that," mom tells dad. "Can't you understand? He's not dead, he can hear you."

Dad stares at me, I can practically feel the pain that's making his eyes look so much duller than usual.

"Right?"

The doctor confirms that mom's right, because she is right indeed, but also carefully brings that there's a large chance damage has been done to my brain.

"It can be that this is all we can do for him," she explains. "Keep him on life-support and pray he'll ever regain control of his body again."

Mom's eyes shoot from the doctor, to me, and back. I can see she's confused, and lost, and broken on the inside.

It hurts me to see her like this, because I know this is what she's been scared of from the beginning.

"But for now, the fact that he has a reaction to you." The doctor gestures at me. "Is enough for us to know that he still has a chance."

I still have a chance, that's what she said, which means if I try my best I will be alright.

Maybe is enough for now, if there's a chance I can escape from this nightmare, if they can interact with me and I'm not watching from afar anymore; I should be able to show them I'm here, I'm alright; I can do this.

This isn't the end, I won't have to live the rest of my life like this.

I'll make them help me, and within no time I'll be myself again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:  
> Almost one year later... they meet again.


	5. Different Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Almost one year later...  
> they meet again!

**_Rei Ryuugazaki_ **

It’s been months since my last hospital admission and it have been some good months.

I went to school every day and, with my medication and a regular check up, I have been able to do everything I would normally do during spring and summer.

That is until I got ill again, the common Autumn cold got me again.

A headache has kept me awake all night and my lungs feel like they’re filling up with mucus every time I breathe in. It’s gotten so bad it’s scary.

If it hadn’t been for me passing out during one of my classes, I hadn’t been in the hospital right now. But I did, worrying my entire class when they found me, lying unconsciously on the floor, in the boys’ change room. I didn’t even have to change outfits, but I stayed behind because I felt dizzy and, when everyone was already in our gym class, I must’ve fainted.

That’s why my parents decided it was time to go to the hospital.

That was this morning, and when I was told it’s best to stay at the hospital, until my cold has gone away, I wasn’t at all surprised. It happens every year around the end of November or the beginning of December, so when we headed to the hospital I’d already got my weekend bags ready to go for my yearly hospital stay.

It didn’t take me long to unpack my bags, because I know where to lay down my stuff and what to hang on the walls to make a boring room look less depressing. My clothes stay in my suitcase, while my bedding goes on the hospital bed instead of the standard light blue blankets, which are always on the bed by default.

I hang some posters from the white wall and put on a mask so I could go for a stroll.

And now, after getting settled in my room, I’m taking a short walk through the hospital hallways. The smell of disinfectant always makes me tired and kind of dizzy, so I’m ready to head into the atrium whenever I possibly can.

It’s also just become a habit of mine to wander through the hallways daily.

I’m not even out of my room’s hallway and I’m already out of breath. My fingers are tingling and I have to force the air to go down into my lungs.

I struggle to keep walking, but I just want to get to the atrium so badly. The oxygen tank that I have to drag with me isn’t helping either, the weight it puts on my arm is unbearable.

I want to throw it down, just like I want to take off the mask I have to wear over my mouth, so I can move and breathe more freely. But I can’t; I need the fresh air and I need the mask to keep out the infections and bacteria other patients can give me.

With small steps, I make my way to the door.

It’s only a few steps, but it takes all the effort I have; this happens every time I get a small cold. It turns into something that could kill me, something that makes me more exhausted than anything else.

I take a deep breath, struggling to get the air to pass through my windpipe, before I slide open the door and continue walking towards the atrium.

I wonder where I even caught this cold; I always wash my hands thoroughly after going to the bathroom and I avoid coming too close to people who seem like they might have a cold or other bacteria or infection, everyone always stays away from me anyway. But the cold must’ve been in the autumn air outside, because I got sick again anyway.

When I stand still in the middle of the hallway to take a short breather, on my way to the elevator, I see someone else it the hallways.

It’s a calm day at the hospital today and I actually haven’t seen many people since I arrived this morning. Usually there’s at least someone that asks the directions, most times an older woman, and there’s always someone who’s coming here to give blood or undergo a minor surgery like to get their adenoids out or to remove the fragments of fractured bones.

But today it was strangely calm, especially upstairs where my room is.

So when I see a kid skipping along the hallway, I’m rather surprised.

It looks adorable, such little kid that’s clearly having a hard time, but he’s having so much fun by just skipping through the hallways of a small hospital.

I feel myself smiling at the cheerful song the kid’s humming, it sounds like something they’d teach kids at a daycare or elementary school. But I feel my smile falter when the kid turns around and suddenly is facing me.

I can practically feel myself tearing up as I look into two, big, pink eyes. They’re full of wonder, full of happiness I’d never seen before today, but it’s like I have seen them before.

For some reason, I imagine the kid would have blond hair even though I’m looking at someone who hasn’t got a strain of hair on his head, just a large, white scar running along the sides and front of his brain.

“N-Nagisa?” I whisper to myself, my voice has figured out who I’m looking at even earlier than I have actually realized it. “Is that you?”

The boy frowns at first, and I wonder if I’m wrong, but then he smiles.

“Yep!” he cheerfully squeaks, even though we’re standing right next to a _silence please_ sign, before taking his hand to his forehead as if saluting. “Nagisa Hazuki at your service!”

I chuckle lightly, because for the first time since I’ve known Nagisa he sounds this genuinely cheerful. And because I never thought I’d see Nagisa again, not after being told to stop asking about him by Nurse Jones; I thought Nagisa might’ve passed away.

He smiles back at me, a wide and genuine grin.

Nagisa, contrary to me, hasn’t grown a bit and is now almost twenty centimeters shorter than me. He’s also lost all of his curly, blond hair and he’s gotten much scrawnier which has made his face slump, which is probably because of the chemo.

It’s sad to see that being sick, and the meds, stopped it growing, because I’m sure Nagisa could’ve gotten much taller than a meager hundred-fifty-five centimeters. Instead of the tall thirteen-year-old he could’ve been, he looks more like a tall second grader.

But other than that, he looks exactly the same than he did almost a year ago.

I’m on the brink of crying of happiness and, if I hadn’t had a cold, I would’ve gone in for a hug. After almost year of thinking that a true friend I’d made had passed away, I couldn’t be happier about being here at the exact moment.

“Nagisa I-I,” I begin, my voice breaking with every letter I speak, that happy am I to see Nagisa again after such long time. “I didn’t think I’d ever see you again.”

Nagisa frowns, taking away my happiness when he asks, “Aaaand who are you?”

My heart feels like it’s sinking so far, it’s now falling right out of my body; Doesn’t Nagisa remember me at all?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:  
> Does Nagisa really not remember?


	6. Here's To Never Growing Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Does Nagisa really remember nothing at all?

**_Nagisa Hazuki_ **

“Aaaand who are you?” I ask, staring at the strange man.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen him. But I’m also sure I have seen him somewhere before.

Not many people have blue hair and red glasses.

“N-Nagisa?” he stammers. “Don’t you remember me?”

He talks very polite, and it’s almost like he has a British kind-of-accent, that’s how well mannered he sounds to me. The way his voice is just the tad bit hoarse, and he sounds out of breathe with every word he speaks, it feels so homely.

I try to search in my mind, to a memory of him, but I can’t get to it. Just like some other memories, it seems like it’s behind a cloudy window that has so many layers I can’t break through it, no matter how hard I kick and punch it.

“Remember you?” I whisper.

Tears are welling up; I want to remember so badly! Someone like this guy, who seems like he must’ve meant the world to me, some time before those walls were build in my mind.

I have to remember who he is to me; a friend or maybe even a boyfriend? Who knows?

“A few months ago,” he mumbles. His eyes shoot from left to right as if he’s also struggling to break through the walls in his brain. “In the Intensive Care.”

With those words, it’s like a magic force cracks the glass. The next time I try to kick through the window, it shatters into a million pieces and everything comes flooding back to me.

The days before the surgery, in the Intensive Care; he was there with me.

His name, Rei Ryuugazaki; the polite boy that refused to eat when I wanted him to stop talking so badly.

I remember saying goodbye to my older sisters and to my parents, but I didn't cry even once. And the clear images of going under general and waking up without being able to move my body, have never been more vivid.

"Rei," I whisper, a smile tucking at the corners of my mouth. "I remember!"

I want to do a dance of cheerfulness, but I'm too happy to do even that.

Instead I unleash a shriek of happiness and run towards Rei.

"No, uhm!" he stammers, but he's too late; my arms are already wrapped around his shoulders. We swing back and forth as he tries to keep his balance. And for a moment I'm sure we're going to fall.

I laugh and tell Rei, "I'm so happy!"

It's been a long time that I remembered where it all began. I remember being told I was sick, and before I knew it I spend day in, day out, at the hospital. They give me medication daily and they tell me to stay in bed whenever I'm supposed to have a lot of medication in one day, but other than that I never questioned how it was that I am at the hospital so much.

It never came to mind.

But now I do remember, it's because I'm a little ill and because my parents can't take care of me at home.

And it's because of Rei that I remember.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I tell him while jumping up and down with my hands still on his shoulders.

When I step back, I let out another shriek of happiness. But when I open my eyes and look at Rei's and see how hard he's trying to look at me.

"What's wrong?" I ask, turning my eyebrows up to show how worried I am about my friend.

Rei turns his eyes away from me and I can hear a wheezing sound when he takes a deep breath.

"Aren't you happy?" I ask him, pouting with my lip. "I remember you!"

Rei turns his head a little further, he's staring at the floor now.

"Yes, I am happy," he whispers, I can barely hear him through the fabric of his mask. "But..."

I tilt my head, wondering what’s wrong.

“Well, it’s just.” He fiddles with his tiny oxygen tube, before looking up at me with a determined expression. “Nagisa, don’t you think you’re…”

“Nagisa!” Rei get’s interrupted by a voice that sounds from the hallway.

Before Rei can continue, the doors slide open and Nurse Shimizu walks through them. Her black with purple curls sway from side to side while she power walks towards me.

“Nagisa Hazuki,” she says, her voice relieved but stern. “You weren’t supposed to leave your room today, remember? You’re getting another chemo cycle today.”

I look at Nurse Shimizu, she doesn’t look mad but she does look disappointed that I forgot again. It makes me pretty sad that I disappointed her again.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper under my breath. “I forgot.”

Nurse Shimuzu rolls her eyes and chuckles, “I guess I’ll turn a blind eye this one time.”

She looks away while she gestures at door leading to my hallway. That’s when she notices Rei standing a little further.

“Rei Ryuugazaki,” she says, pointing at Rei with a smile on her face. “Am I right?”

Rei glances away and nods carefully.

“How you come you know him right away!” I ask while wrapping my hand around Nurse Shimizu’s arm. “Even I didn’t remember who he was right away! It’s unfair!”

Nurse Shimizu giggles and carefully strokes my head. She isn’t looking at me when she asks Rei, “You’re one of Mason… uh, I mean Nurse Jones’s boys. Yeah right?”

Rei nods and it makes me sad when I realize that Nurse Shimizu probably knows more about one of my only friends than I do.

“So, you know Nagisa?” she continues, Nurse Shimuzu is always in for small talk.

Rei’s expression saddens when he nods. He’s shifting from one foot to the other and with that grimace on his face he looks like he’s wearing really uncomfortable underwear.

“I knew him… uhm,” Rei mumbles, and suddenly he doesn’t know how to say his words in the politest way possible. “Before… you know?”

“Ah,” Nurse Shimizu whispers to herself. “You knew him when he was just diagnosed?”

I look from Rei to Nurse Shimizu and back to Rei again as a conversation between the two unravels. They talk about me and changes and something in my brain; things I don’t really understand to be completely honest.

“Would you want to accompany Nagisa while he gets his chemo injection?” Nurse Shimizu asks Rei and I immediately find myself hoping that Rei wants that too. “You can chat a little, you can get to know this Nagisa a little better.”

Rei looks at the floor and when his mouth opens it’s almost as if he wants to say no.

I let go of Nurse Shimizu’s arm and reach out for Rei’s hand.

“Come on, Rei!” I say, dragging him towards the door with me. “It’ll be fun!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:  
> The real Nagisa, the one Rei knew, he's missing... or is he?


	7. Hymn For The Missing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nagisa's different... yet he's also the same.

**_Rei Ryuugazaki_ **

****

Different… he’s so different.

Nagisa acts more like a six or seven year old kid instead of the age of thirteen he must’ve passed quite a while ago. And it all has to do with trauma.

According to Nurse Shimizu, who’s shortly explained Nagisa’s situation, something went wrong during the surgery. His brain bled during the surgery and caused Nagisa to end up in a strange kind of minimally conscious state for quite a while. This must’ve caused trauma and they think age regression is just one of the signs that goes with Nagisa PTSD.

But even when I look at Nagisa after knowing that, I don’t think it’s a healthy way of dealing with the harsh reality he’s in.

“And _this_ is my room!” Nagisa cheerfully presents me the small hospital bedroom he calls his own, which means he probably spends most of his time in there. “Isn’t it pretty?”

I look around the room and quickly notice the massive amount of “get well soon” cards that are pinned onto the wall; it fills up one entire wall of Nagisa’s room. There’s also a line of at least twenty stuffed animals, varying from small, pink rabbits to large, fluffy bears.

“It is,” I say, because I can’t get more to push past the lump in my throat.

It’s almost creepy how much Nagisa’s room looks like a toddler’s room, and it some way it makes me think he’s actually gotten younger in the past year; mentally and physically, which isn’t true of course, he still looks about the same as last year.

Nagisa runs into his room and hops onto his bed before crawling under the thick blankets.

“Come on, Rei!” he says, patting with his hands on the edge of the bed, right beside him.

Nurse Shimizu sees how Nagisa’s asking me to sit on the bed and quickly tells him off. “Nagisa,” she tells him in a mildly stern voice. “You know you’re not allowed to ask guests to sit on your bed, it’s insanitary to do that.”

Nagisa looks down at his lap and pouts before whining, “But I want Rei to sit close to me.”

Nurse Shimizu gives Nagisa a pat on his head and says, “Why don’t I get him a nice, comfortable chair to sit on then?” before walking away to get me a chair.

I feel uneasy, standing in the middle of the room like this, but luckily Nurse Shimizu comes back with a chair within one minute. I sit down close to Nagisa’s bed while Nagisa gets hooked up to an IV for his chemo-treatment.

When everything’s checked and double checked, Nurse Shimizu leaves us alone.

Nagisa’s hallways under the blankets and I can just barely see the port in his chest, that’s letting the medication flow into his veins.

He’s not bothered by the fact that he’s hooked up to a IV, I quickly notice, he just does whatever he wants to do. For instance, he immediately gets out a bright pink Nintendo DS. It has stickers of penguins all over it, which makes me think it’s his favorite animal.

He tilts it a little, so I can see what’s happening on the, slightly greasy, screen. Not long after, he starts up a Mario Bros game.

“I hope you don’t mind,” Nagisa says, clicking on the file where he has already reached the last world of the game. “This always takes long.”

I smile at how quickly Nagisa’s fingers move over the buttons and how smoothly everything goes. It makes me happy, because that means he at least hasn’t lost any of his motor skills.

“No, I don’t mind at all,” I reply while watching at the DS over Nagisa’s shoulder. “Is this what you always do while waiting for your chemo treatment to be over?”

Nagisa doesn’t look away from the game as he shakes his head. “I play games, draw, watch a movie or sleep.” He pauses to concentrate on jumping over a hammer bro. “Sometimes my friends come by too.”

My eyebrows perk up at the word “friends”; I’m surprised Nagisa has friends. He hasn’t got just one, he has more. And he doesn’t even seem to think that it’s something special.

People like us, the sick weirdos, don’t make friends easily.

“He has friends?” I whisper to myself, not realizing Nagisa can hear me.

“Yeah, of course,” Nagisa squeaks. “I have Rin and I have Makoto and Haru, but Haru’s never with Makoto right now.” He pauses and I’m sure I can see his smile father. “And you!”

He sees me as his friend, and beside that he has others too. He has quite a lot of friends even and he seems really happy about it, I would be too if I had more than one friend. While Nagisa’s smile gets back to its brightest again, I feel a smile appear on my own face as well.

The rest of the time I spend in Nagisa’s room go by quicker than I expected and it’s isn’t until think Nagisa has fallen asleep that I think it’s best to leave.

I watch Nagisa a little longer, because as he sleeps he looks more like his age. He’s turned on his side, facing me, and his hands kind of lay in front of his face. His expression is relaxed and, even though he’s in a deep sleep, there’s a ghost of a smile on his face.

He got so tired of chattering and playing games, his eyes started to fall close while talking to me and I just noticed his voice getting slower and slower with every second that passed. Eventually his eyes just closed and he started snoring softly.

_Adorable._ I think to myself as I get up from my chair and stretch my arms a little. I tuck Nagisa in a little tighter before making my way to the door in silence.

Apparently I’m not quiet enough, because I hear a soft whisper behind me when I’m getting ready to close the door.

“No, wait,” the whisper sounds. “Don’t go.”

I turn around and see Nagisa reaching out for me. I let go of the doorknob and walk back into the room again, obeying Nagisa like he’s my own kid.

“I still need to ask you something,” he says, a little louder than before. “Will you play games with me, Makoto and Rin tomorrow?”

I need think for a second, because it’s really hard for me to accept Nagisa as he is right now. But when I realize I can’t change him, we have to make the best of is while we can, I nod and tell him I would love to come to the atrium to play games with him and his friends.

Nagisa smiles gladly, but weakly, his eyes are already starting to close again.

On my way out of the room, I think of how I should listen to Shimizu; I have to get to know this Nagisa, and forget about the one I used to know almost a year ago.

People change, Nagisa isn’t an exception and I should be able to acknowledge him as he is right now and stop living in the past.

That’s why I’ll stop acting like I mind Nagisa being like this, or I’ll at least try. I’ll start trying to understand how Nagisa thinks, what changed and what stayed the same, so it’ll get less hard to be around him. And that’s why it’s important I spend tomorrow with him; Because I want to get to know the _real_ Nagisa that is here now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:  
> Rei meets Rin and Makoto... and more!


	8. What If I Said I Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nagisa can't be in love with Rei... can he?

**_Nagisa Hazuki_ **

****

“I’m so happy you said yes!” I squeak as I drag Rei behind me.

My hand is wrapped around his tightly and even though he’s struggling to keep up with me, we make it to the atrium in time. It’s my fault we had a late start, or actually it’s Nurse Shimizu’s; she asked me why I was so happy this morning.

I told her Rei and I were doing something together today and she laughed and said it almost sounded like I _like_ Rei. I don’t know why she even asked me, because of course I like Rei, he’s one of my best friends. But she must’ve meant something else, because she started laughing really hard when I said that.

Anyway, that’s why Rei and I had to run all the way to the atrium. We were so late we couldn’t even use the stairs. But it doesn’t matter, because we made it to the atrium.

“There they are!” I tell Rei as I see Rin and Makoto sitting on our couch.

Rei makes a sputtering sound when I start running towards Makoto and Rin, waving to show them that we’re on our way. Makoto sees me and starts laughing while Rin brings the palm of his hand towards his face while blushing.

I let go of Rei’s hand when we get there and I flop onto the empty couch. Rei hesitantly takes a seat beside me, and as he does I lay my head on his shoulder.

“Good morning, everyone,” Rei says, tapping with his fingers onto his lap. “I’m Rei Ryuugazaki, an old friend on Nagisa. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

_So polite!_ I think to myself, _that’s one of the few things I do actually remember about Rei._

Makoto looks at Rei and smiles at him.

“I’m Makoto, are you okay with us calling you Rei?” he asks, he’s almost just as polite as Rei I think. “Of course we can also just call you Ryuugazaki if you don’t want us to call you Rei!”

I chuckle and swing my hands around Rei’s neck.

“Of course he doesn’t mind that!” I say, because Makoto’s being way too formal.

I look at Makoto and Rin to make sure both of them know to call Rei _Rei_. And after that I suggest we play a game, my favorite; truth or dare.

I especially like it when I can choose and I can get a dare, that’s so much fun.

“So, who’s starting?” Rin asks, looking at me first and then at Rei.

“Rei,” I say, grabbing his hand tightly. “Rei can start asking me something!”

Rei stammers something I can’t understand, but when he stops muttering, he says, “Uhm, Nagisa, truth or dare?”

I grin, just the feeling of being able to say “dare” gets me all riled up.

“Well, yeah, okay,” Rei stammers while bringing his hand to his glasses. “Talk in an accent?”

I giggle at the thought of me trying to do Rei’s snobby accent, but decide to go with something easier. I heard Rin saying his mother has friends in Australia some time ago, so I go with the Australian accent he tried to show me when I asked him how they sounded.

“G day, mate,” I say, forcing my jaw to move in unnatural ways. “How’s it hangin?”

Rin snickers when he hears my amazing accent, I’m sure he must be impressed. Sadly, he’s also good at doing an Australian accent and he immediately gets competitive. Saying he can do better in a faked Australian accent.

“Oi!” I yell, waving with my hands and almost hitting Rei in the face.

Rin chuckles a little bit and I, also, burst out in laughter.

When I look at Rei and Makoto they look rather shocked, like they didn’t expect this. But after a few seconds they start laughing as well.

As Rei laughs, his shoulders jolt and his hand is up to his mouth. It looks like he’s actually happy to be here, this is the first time I’ve seen him like this, and his laugh makes me smile.

When his arm softly rubs against mine, I feel a tingling feeling in my stomach. It’s like nausea, but not as painful and annoying; it feels amazing.

When his skin stops touching mine, it almost feels like I miss a part of me. It makes me feel sad when the tingling in my stomach stops completely, because I want the warm sensation to continue to flow through my body.

“Nagisa, is something wrong?” Makoto asks, of course he notices it when I don’t feel okay.

I look up and smile while shaking my head. “It’s nothing.”

I shake it off, because I don’t know what it is I feel. It could be a little electric shock when our skin met, or maybe it’s because of the meds; it can be anything.

“Okay, uhm, Makoto!” I say, loud and clear. “Truth or dare?”

Makoto glances away shortly before saying, “Truth.”

“Yes!” I say, because there’s something I’ve been wanting to ask Makoto for a long time. “Do you love someone?”

Makoto’s cheek get completely red and he immediately starts waving with his hands to deny it. “No! No I haven’t, really!” he stammers in a more high-pitched tone than usual.

Makoto’s reaction is clear, he really doesn’t want anyone to know he likes Haru. But even I have noticed it, or I think I have.

“So, Nagisa,” Rin says with an evil grin. “Do _you_ love someone?”

I feel my heart beating faster and my cheeks burn up, but I have no clue why; I know the answer to that question.

I cross my arms and mumble, “You can’t ask that unless I choose truth.”

Rin glances at Makoto and both of them chuckle.

I close my eyes briefly and add, “But if you really want to know.” I pause and look at both of them. “No, I do _not_ love anyone.”

After having to literally get Rin and Makoto to shut up and stop laughing, we can continue the game. Sadly we can’t play it much longer because Makoto has to go to his room for some kind of treatment he seems to be getting almost daily lately.

“I also should get going,” Rin says while getting up from the couch. “See you tomorrow.”

Rei’s also getting ready to leave, so I decide to walk with Rei back to our rooms.

While we’re walking through the atrium, Rei’s hand keeps brushing against mine and I don’t even thing he’s noticing that we’re that close.

It makes my heart beat faster and, all of a sudden, I feel really sweaty. I must have a fever again, because this couldn’t have any other reason.

“Rei, do I have a warm head?” I ask Rei, because I remember everyone always putting their hands on my forehead and immediately knowing if I’m sick or not.

Rei turns to me, frowns as if he doesn’t know what I mean, and carefully places his hand on my forehead. After a second, or two, he shakes his head and says, “Not at all. Why?”

While we start walking again, I tell him about the strange feeling in my stomach and the way I get all warm sometimes and how my heart beats faster and my hands get sweaty.

Rei stops walking, stares at something across the room and doesn’t look at me when he asks, “When did you start feeling this way?”

I think back to this morning, I didn’t feel like this at all. But then again, when I was with Rei I felt like I could start hyperventilating any moment. And it happened again today, when our skin touched my heart started beating like its life depended on it.

I don’t even have to think about it for long, because it’s clear that it started…

“Exactly the same time you showed up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:  
> Rei can't be in love with Nagisa... it just can't!


	9. It's Not Like I Like You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rei can't like Nagisa... it just would be wrong!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings:  
> This chapter includes some homophobic-ish actions, if you're badly affected by this PLEASE skip to the end of this chapter to see what happened in this chapter... know I don't mean anything by the homophobic thoughts; THESE AREN'T MY THOUGHTS and writing them did hurt a little!

**_Rei Ryuugazaki_ **

“Exactly the same time you showed up.”

Nagisa’s words keep repeating themselves in my mind, because I know what he means. I don’t know if he’s aware of what he just told me, but I know what causes your heart to beat faster and the feeling of butterflies in fluttering inside your stomach; he’s in love… with me.

_He can’t be serious… right?_ I shake my head at my own stupid, inner dialogue.

“What’s wrong?” Nagisa asks, his hand slowly curls around mine.

I pull away and step backwards, almost tripping over a plant. When my eyes meet Nagisa’s it almost looks like he’s about to cry, but he smiles curiously anyway.

Maybe, with that little blush on his cheeks, Nagisa is being serious; maybe he is in love with me. It would be completely nuts if he did, but Nagisa’s a strange guy after all.

I couldn’t love him, I know that.

Firstly, it’s hard enough to accepting and being around Nagisa as it is right now, I couldn’t possibly be able to let myself hug him and kiss him in a lovingly way. And secondly, I am not gay, I’ve never loved anyone in my entire life but if I did, I’m sure it wouldn’t be a guy!

And it surely wouldn’t be Nagisa. Yes, he’s cute and all, but in a childlike kind of way, not in the lover who’s ready for a relationship way.

Nagisa’s standing in front of me patiently as he holds his own hand behind his back, and he sways a little when he asks, “Are these things so bad?” It makes me realize he probably doesn’t actually know what he just said. “Will I die?”

He doesn’t think he just told me he loved me, he thinks he just told me the symptoms he has; he thinks they’re symptoms of Cancer that can possibly kill him.

“Nagisa,” I mumble, glancing away. “Look, I don’t know if you know what you just said to me, but those aren’t symptoms of Cancer.” I pause to look back at Nagisa, who’s glaring at me with big, curious eyes. “Those are symptoms of love… D-do you _love_ me?”

Nagisa frowns, immediately sticking out his tongue telling me that he surely doesn’t love me.

I breathe out, relieved, just when Nagisa’s expression changes very quickly. With every second that goes by there’s a different emotion on his face.

“But what if I do?” he mumbles to himself, taking his hand to his mouth. “No, it couldn’t… could it?” He goes on like this for almost five minutes, even getting mad at himself in the process, before he eventually settles on, “Yes, Rei, I think you might be right.”

I gasp and my eyes get bigger within less than a second; _No. No. No!_

It feels like my head is going to explode; this can’t be real. My head it spinning, I can feel my heart is thumping in my head, and hell I’m sweating so much I’m sure even my organs are sweating right now.

“Rei?” Nagisa asks. “What’s wrong?”

I take my hands to face and rub my eyes from underneath my glasses before turning away from Nagisa. I need to get away, this all too much and if this goes on for even one more second I might just start hyperventilating.

“Hey!” Nagisa’s voice sounds behind me, and I start walking even faster. “Hey! Rei, wait!”

I don’t listen, I try to shut him out.

But he’s too fast, and as soon as I lower my hand I’m forced to stay there.

His hand is clenching mine so tightly it hurts. I try to pull away, but it’s impossible.

“Look, Nagisa,” I mumble, barely loud enough. “I just don’t see you like that okay?”

I turn around and see tears in Nagisa’s eyes. He’s glaring at me with big, confused eyes.

His mouth opens, but I don’t want him to talk.

I open my mouth, but I don’t even get the chance to stop him from talking.

Before I know it his lips are on mine, and no matter how hard my brain wants to pull away, my body kisses Nagisa back. It goes without choosing to, it just happens like I’m meant to.

I close my eyes and taste the sweet taste that has written “Nagisa” all over it.

But as soon as the surprise has stopped paralyzing my body, the adrenaline kicks in.

I push Nagisa as hard as I can, shoving him off me and causing him to fall onto the ground with a loud thump. I glare at him as he looks up at me and I almost feel dirty of myself.

I can’t think he’s awful for kissing me, because he didn’t, the feeling of bowing forward and pressing my lips onto his felt so good it must’ve been something I did without thinking.

I take a step back, and another, while shaking my head.

“No,” I whisper to myself, looking down at my hands that were just pulling Nagisa’s clothes with pleasure instead of fear. “No, I’m not gay… I don’t love you Nagisa!”

I turn around and start running as fast as I can; I have to get away, right now.

I feel a pull at my nose when I start running, followed by the sound of iron hitting wood, but I keep running even when my oxygen tank still lies there next to Nagisa.

I run out of the atrium, bump into strangers and try to avoid seeing nurses as make my way to the elevators. And by the time I reach them, I feel like I could run another ten kilometers if it meant I’d be far away from the Nagisa who stole my first kiss.

I’m not supposed to kiss him, I’m supposed to kiss a girl like my brother. If my parents find out they’ll be so disappointed in me, I’m sure.

I lean against the wall of the elevator while trying to catch my breath, but it’s like the air is thick; it really doesn’t want to move into my lungs like it should.

I see my own reflection in the mirror that takes up one entire side of the elevator and it’s like I’m looking at ghost. I’m so white that I’m almost see through, I have red smudges around my eyes and there’s blood dripping from my nose.

I open my mouth wide trying to suck the air through my windpipe, but ever since the adrenaline has left my body I’m almost too exhausted to even keep my eyes open.

My legs are shaking and my eyes start to close.

_This isn’t good,_ is the last thing I think before losing the ability to stand, or struggle to breathe any longer. Completely exhausting, I collapse onto the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter (for the people that skipped):  
> Nagisa confessed his love to Rei, they kissed and Rei ran away in fear to later pass out in the elevator.


	10. The Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nagisa sees Rei... he isn't doing wel...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *PLEASE READ TRIGGER WARNINGS!*
> 
> TW:  
> Don't read this chapter if you are badly affected by...  
> \- Bullying  
> \- Violence  
> \- Bad parenting  
> \- Suicidal/Depressed thoughts  
> \- Self Harm
> 
> Skip to the end-Authorsnote for a brief summary of the chapter.
> 
> If you aren't affected by that, have a nice time reading this chapter!  
> Love, Noa <3

**_Nagisa Hazuki_ **

****

It’s like a force pulling me down to the ground when I see the sight of a bunch of nurses crouched down beside what looks like a body. But not a dead body, just one that won’t be alive much longer if they don’t continue to give him air through a mask.

It’s been only ten minutes since Rei shoved me to the ground, but as soon as I got upstairs, I got to face my worst nightmare… and it’s all my fault.

The, barely alive, guy that’s lying on the ground isn’t another blue haired guy with red glasses; it’s Rei… the Rei that kissed me just a few minutes ago.

They’re screaming, the nurses, as they realize that what they’re doing isn’t enough.

My head is hurting, like something shot through my brain.

Rei’s body is jolting when they get to giving him CPR, and it’s a terrifying sight.

The windows in my mind are shattering into pieces when I hear one of the nurses yelling that they have to be fast if they want Rei to survive.

Memories of being in that room, unable to move, come flooding back to me. The way dad looked at me when he realized that my brain was damaged.

When someone grabs me from behind, a shock jolts through my arm and the memories of the revalidation come back to me. It was so painful, even though the doctors said it was a miracle that it didn’t take me longer to learn to move and talk again.

“Come with me, Nagisa!” a male voice, behind me, yells in my ear. “We have to get to your room, okay?” I don’t even know who’s talking to me, but I listen to him.

I turn around when we turn at the corner, and see them pumping air into Rei’s mouth.

I remember how it feels when you can’t breathe, when people have to help you get the air to your lungs. I know how it feels to have to get your air through your broken nose, because a group of people beat you up for looking like a total freak.

The hand on my back takes me into my room, but it doesn’t look like my room at all.

_What has happened in the past months_? I wonder as I look across the, with pink filled, hospital room. _Where has the more grown up me been? Where have I been?_

“Nagisa, look at me,” the voice they brought me here says while grabbing my face so I’m forced to look at him. “Do you know who you are.”

I look into two droopy, green eyes and it’s just now that I realize that Makoto’s the one that brought me here. He looks so worried, but he should’ve been with Rei… I should’ve been with Rei instead of obeying everything that’s being asked of me.

I feel tears running over my cheeks when flashes of Rei’s body lying on the ground enter my thoughts and within a couple of flashes I see myself lying on the floor instead of Rei.

I’m watching from a distance at myself, just like I just watched Rei from across the hallway.

Nurses are kneeled down beside me and they scream so loud it rings in my ears. My body is all jerky and spastic, like those times I have a seizure.

I can feel my head pounding, my body moving, but I’m still standing still in the middle of my bedroom. The entire world is spinning around me and Makoto’s face is completely deforming as I feel throwing up.

“Nagisa?” Makoto’s voice sounds in my ear. “Nagisa!”

It’s followed by a mumble sounding a lot like, “I’m going to get a nurse.” And what happens next is a blur; something sour shooting up my throat, followed by a warm sensation spreading over my face and clothes.

Next, my head hits something and for a second everything is completely white. When I open my eyes again, it’s like I’m thrown into another world… or back in time.

Suddenly I’m in my room, the one at home, and I watch myself lying in bed from a distance. I can walk around my twelve-year-old self, but he doesn’t even know I’m in the room.

My parents’ voices sound loudly from downstairs, followed by the sound of glass shattering against the wall. I know my old self can hear them too, but I also know I couldn’t get up to stop them from fighting all the time; my legs didn’t work well back then.

I remember this vaguely, this was two weeks after the brain surgery and I was just stable enough to go home. Yet, I wished I would’ve been able to stay at the hospital every day, because my parents kept fighting about me all the time. They broke up a month later too.

When I realize how I totally forgot about this memory, I feel like I’m being pulled away from it. A flash of myself in my hospital bedroom shoots into my mind, how Nurse Shimizu is hanging over me, but it lasts less than a second.

In the blink of an eye I’m on the streets, watching as a younger me gets pushed up against a wall by two taller kids. I know what they’re going to do, but I wish they wouldn’t.

I can still feel the pain of having one of their knees goes up my crotch. I can still hear my nose cracking as the other’s fist breaks it with ease.

They’re yelling at the old me, telling me how I’m a freak; for being so short, for being so skinny and bald, for having that ugly and scare-looking scar running along the side of my head. And whenever I told them I couldn’t help it, that I was sick, they called me a liar.

With the last punch blowing to the side of my head, I’m waking up in a different spot; the ambulance, with a bleeding nose and burning testicles, screaming and crying while an oxygen mask keeps me alive until we get to the hospital.

Flashes of reality come back to me again; I am screaming and crying too now, and I can feel the ground moving underneath me… no, wrong, I’m on a stretcher and I’m being brought to the emergency room.

The world starts spinning again as we push through a set of doors, and closing my eyes for a second is the worst choice I could possibly make right now; I’m back in my memories again.

This one, I pushed far away.

I’m in my own bedroom again and it’s only a week after the time people completely ruined my life. It’s one of the last days of summer vacation and I really didn’t want to go back.

Mom and dad knew this, the teachers too, but dad was still focussed on me going to university and getting a good job after “all of this was over” which I knew would never happen; my brain Cancer had proofed itself to be incurable, so all the Chemo would do was give me a bearable life for a little longer, but I surely won’t stretch it to college.

I’m having another aggression outburst here, and I remember wanting to forget everything around me so badly; little did I know it would work.

While they rush me into the ER, in the present, I watch myself breaking a jar against the wall.

The glass catches my eye, I remember getting this idea for the first time in my entire life.

My parents were downstairs, but they wouldn’t come and search for me; at least that’s what I thought. So I did it, I just did what nobody should ever do; I tried to end it all.

I bled over the floor for almost twenty minutes before being rushed to the hospital, where I woke up so drugged up on painkillers and antidepressants that I felt all loopy.

One month later, two months earlier than the present, everyone of my family was in my hospital with me; they look exhausted.

At this time, I’d been acting off for a while and my parents didn’t know how to take care of me anymore. I remember them telling Nurse Shimizu, who’d been taking care of my from almost the five months by then, that they didn’t want me anymore.

They couldn’t, and still can’t, watch their only son rot away like this; getting depressed, and pushing away all memories by building walls in my head, and to top it all of my only way of dealing has always been to act like before. To pretend like everything is alright… until I’d actually pushed the memories so far away that I forgot all about my previous experiences at the hospital, and until I actually started to belief that I still am the happy child they loved much more than the sick teenager I’d become.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary:  
> Nagisa sees Rei getting CPR. He gets freaked out by this and suddenly sees flashes of his past.
> 
> Next Chapter:  
> The Finale; Are they both alright?


	11. Stand By You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Finale!

**_Rei Ryuugazaki_ **

It's been five hours since I collapsed in the elevator. And I've been in and out of consciousness for the three hours after. I ran too hard and passed out because of exhaustion, or so he told me right before Nurse Shimizu ran into the room and told him that she needed help getting Nagisa strapped in his bed for his own safety.

Nagisa's name made me shiver; he kissed me after all... while he knew I didn't think of him that way...

Or no, I kissed him. 

But still.

Even though just thinking of Nagisa made me dizzy, I begged them to let me see him. Especially after finding out that he apparently went mental after seeing me lose consciousness. He regained his memories, the ones he pushed down so far and now he's become the "old Nagisa" again.

After making the agreement that I would rest for one more hour before being allowed to see Nagisa, I slept a little. But now I'm here, standing in front of Nagisa's room, or in the doorway I'd rather say.

I can feel my heart thumping in my throat and I feel lightheaded when I see how they actually have banded Nagisa to his bed. It makes him look like a crazy person, while all of us know he isn't.

"You can come in, Rei," Nurse Shimizu tells me. She's inside to supervise, because ever since Nagisa got back to his "normal" self he's been really uncareful with himself.

Apparently he hit his head against the wall purposely some time ago and it's still red. His knuckles are also completely swollen and a reddish purple.

I listen to Nurse Shimizu and wander inside. I know it's the same room Nagisa and I have played games in just yesterday, but it looks completely different now the drawings and cards have been ripped off the walls and the stuffed animals are thrown all over the place.

It actually looks like the room of a child who's completely lost it.

When my eyes meet Nagisa's I can practically see the amount of fractures that have been ripped into his happiness. And I catch myself wishing that the old Nagisa was here again; the one that acted like a child, but was happy. It was much nicer than seeing him look like this. 

This isn't the Nagisa I knew. This guy doesn't even have the capability to force a smile if he'd want to; he's clearly depressed and it bothers him to the point of self harm and aggression. 

I grimace, trying not to let the hurt spill into my voice when I say, "Hey, Nagisa."

Nagisa's eyes are fixated on me, and his eyes are huge. He clearly remembers our kiss as his cheeks get completely red when I sit down beside him. 

I open my mouth, but I wouldn't know what to tell him right now. Must I tell him that I'm sorry about kissing him, should I ask him if he's okay or will that only offense him as he's clearly not "okay"... I don't know. 

It's like, seeing him like this, causes something in my mind to block. Having to watch Nagisa lay there, not able to move as freely as he used to, it hurts. 

"I'm sorry," Nagisa mumbles before I can say something. "I'm sorry about ignoring your boundaries, for getting into your comfort zone." He pauses and stares at his lap with a gloomy expression on his face. "I'm sorry about kissing you."

"I liked it."

It's like some unknown force takes over, causing me to talk before thinking.

I want to take my words back, but when I see Nagisa's face lighting up, and a nice feeling sets up in my stomach, and I realize that I just told him the truth. It's a truth I haven't even thought of, but I loved the feeling of Nagisa's lips on mine. Never in my life had I enjoyed something that much, but because it was with him I couldn't have myself accepting it at all. 

"I loved it," I tell him, feeling myself smile. "Actually."

Nagisa smiles, just a ghost of the smile he'd usually show me, but it's a smile. 

"I liked it a lot too," Nagisa admits and he starts blushing. "Actually, I might've kind of loved you ever since we met."

I look at the floor, that explains why Nagisa always was acting that cheerful around me. It also explains why he pushed the memory of me away; he didn't want to remember someone he'd loved and lost and might never see again. I wish I would've been able to push the memories of him away, because it hurt whenever I thought about how much I missed him; like he was more than just a friend. 

"Me too," I tell him. "Only I might not have known it myself."

Nagisa nods and says, "Me neither."

We sit there in silence, and I'm sure almost ten minutes pass before one of us starts to talk again. It’s me who talks first.

“You know, I love you in every form you take,” I whisper, because my mind tells me it’s true. If Nagisa will stay in this state of mind, I’ll love him, if he goes back to how he was I’ll feel something for him. “And even if we figure out it won’t work out for us, I’ll still be by your side no matter what. I want you to know that.”

Nagisa stares at me for a long time, his eyes as big as tennis balls. And then, without a warning, he starts sobbing. He cries so hard that I don’t know if he’ll ever stop.

But when he does stop and he looks at me, I see that childish spark in his eyes again. It’s as if he’s regained his true and cheerful self again, the version of him that made me realize that I’d loved him all along.

“And I love you,” Nagisa says, his voice squeaking when he pulls me into a hug.

I hug him back and feel the cheerfulness that has returned to my dear friend. Maybe it’ll work out between us, maybe it won’t… who knows.

But I know we’ll try. And we’ll always be by each other’s side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there!
> 
> If you liked this fanfiction, make sure to let me know by leaving a short comment. And if you didn't like it, do the same to give me some feedback!  
> Also, there's a second-ish part of this story, covering Sousuke and Rin's story that plays about 3 years after this one. It's called 
> 
> "Now I'm Unbreakable - Rin and Sousuke's Story"
> 
> And it also shows you a little of how Rei and Nagisa's story continues. 
> 
> Love, Noa <3

**Author's Note:**

> Hey There!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the first chapter, but of course I named some conditions, you might or might not know.  
> I'll explain them anyway for those who haven't done the massive amounts of research I've done :)
> 
> __________________
> 
> Cystic Fibrosis (CF):  
> Most people may know this disease from "Five Feet Apart" and therefor I'll explain it as short as possible. CF is a genetic disease that makes the body produce abnormally thick and sticky fluid, called mucus. This mucus builds up in the breathing passages of the lungs and in the pancreas. 
> 
> Some Symptoms of CF:  
> \- Persistent cough  
> \- Coughing up mucus  
> \- Bad at exersicing  
> \- Repetive lung infections  
> \- Inflamed nasal passages  
> \- Poor weight gain  
> \- Constipation  
> \- Shortness of breath  
> \- Inferility 
> 
> __________________
> 
> Brain Cancer:  
> Brain cancer is an overgrowth of cells in your brain that forms masses called tumors. Cancerous brain tumors tend to grow very quickly. They disrupt the way your body works, and this can be life-threatening.
> 
> Some Symptoms of Brain Cancer:  
> \- Headaches  
> \- Seizures  
> \- Persistently feeling sick (nausea), being sick (vomiting) and drowsiness.  
> \- Mental or behavioural changes, such as memory problems or changes in personality.  
> \- Progressive weakness or paralysis on one side of the body.  
> \- Vision or speech problems.
> 
> __________________
> 
> Other conditions will, if needed, be explained throughout the authorsnotes.  
> I hope you enjoyed the first chapter, and I hope you'll feel like continueing to read this ReiGisa story :)  
> Make sure to let me know what you thought of if through the comments, or DM me on Instagram (@immediatelywriting)
> 
> Love, Noa <3


End file.
